Confession...I had an eating disorder

One of my fellow Zoot teammates posted a blog in February (which was Eating Disorder Awareness Month) about her battle with an eating disorder. She rocks. Her name is Ashley, and you can find her here…https://sandborntorun.wordpress.com/page/2/

Reading through her story inspired me to share mine. Why you might ask? Why not? It’s part of me, it’s why I am the person I am today, and I’m certainly not ashamed of it. Ashley and I are not alone in our struggles, and we are both very fortunate to be on the “mend” from our own issues…as anyone who has dealt with these types of issues in the past knows it’s a continual healing process.

Deep breath, here I go…

Anyone who knows me knows I’ve been VERY open about my eating disorder once I accepted the fact that I had one (I’ll get to this later). I’ll talk to anyone about it. I just haven’t put it out there in this way yet. I’m the type of person who heals by talking about my struggles (I have not always been this way, see below). I respect that not everyone functions in that way. But I’m about to get real honest. Caution…this will be long and there will be pictures.

It started at a very young age for me. As a child, I realized that I got attention for doing well in school, being a really good tennis player, and how I looked. Being the Type A/perfectionist I’ve ALWAYS been (even as a child), I wanted to EXCEL in all 3. I made sure I kept excellent grades, worked my booty off at tennis, and equated skinny to looking good. When I was younger, skinny was “in”. This concept of being fit or strong wasn’t there yet, or at least not in the crowd I ran with. 

It’s amazing the things I remember…being told I was so lucky to have a tiny waist, that boys would like my figure when I grew up…these types of comments were all before I was 10 years old. They were meant to be a compliment, but to me…all I could think of was I NEED to stay skinny. It started out very innocently for me, I didn’t starve myself, I just ate healthy and worked out or played tennis. Super simple. Eventually that changed. I remember the first time I had a conversation about an eating disorder, I was around 10 years old, and in DisneyWorld. Who talks about these things at that age in DISNEYWORLD?! I did, with my sister. This was obviously something that was prevalent in my life at a very young age.

I went on my first “diet” my sophomore year in high school. I had gained a few pounds from eating absolute JUNK food (nachos, McDonalds, effing garbage) and wanted to eat healthier. That was THE LAST time I’ve eaten at McDonalds, or really any fast food. 15 years old. That “diet” I went on 100% changed my eating habits for the rest of my life. This was genuinely for the better (fast food serves me NO purpose) but not until many years later when I didn't take it to an extreme.

Everything that happened prior to my junior year in high school was just leading to an explosion for me. I was always comfortably around 115lbs in high school. I decided I should lose 5lbs (just because), so I did it. I ate JUST enough so I was always a little hungry, and I actually started to enjoy the feeling of hunger (this is terrifying). I felt like I was getting skinner when I was hungry (so this was a good thing in my mind). 

I was insanely active in high school, I would workout at home before school and have tennis practice after school, so I did have to eat enough for energy, but I was much skinnier those last two years. Looking at me, you would never think anything was wrong though, I still didn't look alarmingly thin. I also made the decision to stop playing tennis after my senior year in high school in lieu of a social life in college. I didn’t want to get involved in the demands of college sports. I can’t even believe I’m saying that now, look at my life ;)

Then I went away to college, and I LOST it. After 6 weeks of being away at college, I was below 100lbs. My parent’s were mortified when they saw me. I was literally staving myself. I drank pots of decaf coffee to keep my belly “full” without eating calories, it actually hurt sitting in chairs in class because I was so bony, and I used to get lightheaded and dizzy walking to class because I was so hungry. I was also working out 6 days a week for at least an hour a day. I was freezing ALL the time and slept in a room with a space heater…it must have been 100 degrees in there. I counted calories, would never eat more than 1200 calories a day, and a Luna bar with yogurt and maybe a piece of fruit was my “big dinner” for the day. Yikes.

Exhibit A - this was about 2 months after being away at college.

When I came home for Christmas break that year, I was about 88lbs. I was so self involved with my eating disorder, that I couldn’t see how hard it was on my family. Looking back, it breaks my heart knowing what I put them through. My mom told me while I was home that I had to gain weight or I couldn’t go back to EIU for my sophomore year, I would have to stay home. Once I went back after the holidays, my dad started driving down almost every weekend to bring me food my mom cooked for me so I would eat, and he works about a million hours a week, but he still made the 3 hour drive ALL THE TIME. I’m literally crying as I think back to this. But being the “good little girl” I thought I was at the time, I didn’t gain weight. So I came home for summer looking exactly the same. Next up, I was told I had to go to counseling to go back to EIU. I cried the entire first hour session, could barely get a word out, and did NOT want to be there. Eventually I actually started enjoying my twice a week sessions, and learned that I had control issues, buried my feelings (I obviously don’t do this anymore, duh), and didn’t get over my Aunt Kathy passing away when I was 8.

Still skinny.

^^ Those legs ain't pushing big watts ^^

I convinced my parents to let me go back to school even though I was still insanely underweight. It was shortly after I got back to school that I REALIZED I had a problem. I was sitting in a bar at beer breakfast on Homecoming Weekend (my god my life was different back then). It was probably 10am, I had several drinks in me, and finally saw how different I looked. I was going to Acapulco for Spring Break later that year, and I told my friends that I wanted to gain 10 pounds before that vacation. They were awesome. We all lived in the sorority house, and they secretly bought snacks that they knew I liked to leave in their rooms so I could eat them when we hung out (Planters Dry Roasted peanuts were my thang). Love those ladies <3 See, sororities aren’t always what you think ;) My mom sent me care packages almost every week with my favorite foods, and I slowly started to put on weight. This was NOT easy for me. It felt uncomfortable not being able to see my hip bones (no lie), it was weird seeing curves come back, but I tried to roll with it. Right before my junior year in college, I was right back to my normal 115lb weight range.

After depriving myself for SO long, I started to allow myself to eat things I wouldn’t before. This was a slippery slope, and I blew up my last 2 years in college. When I graduated from EIU, I weighed around 160lbs (yep, almost double my lowest weight). I was drinking way too much alcohol, eating pizza at 2am after long nights out, and would eat to the point of almost throwing up because I was so full. I knew I had to get ahold of myself, and was honestly relieved when I graduated from college because I was starting my full time job and the going out constantly would be coming to an end.

2 years after those pics above, about 50 pounds heavier, and black hair (yep, forgot to mention that).

It took me several years to “regulate” myself after college. I got back into a more regular and consistent exercise schedule, started eating better, went out less…but it really wasn’t until I found the sport of triathlon that I really began healing from my eating disorder. Getting back into sport was the game changer for me. Sport has always given me so much…self confidence, structure, motivation, passion, drive, and a continual pursuit for self improvement…I lost this when I gave up tennis. Triathlon, especially long course, has given all of that back to me and more. As an adult, I appreciate all of this so much more then I did as a teenager. 

Where am I at today? Thankfully, on the OTHER side of this. I absolutely DO NOT regret going through my eating disorder, I do not wish it away, and I’m actually thankful that I had this experience and was able to get out of it. I now eat for fuel…I eat clean, whole foods. In fact, I eat a TON…more than most boys and I LOVE it. I treat my body with respect. My goals are clear, and it’s all about doing everything I can to meet those goals. Eating junk or starving myself is NOT going to help me meet those goals, so that’s out of the picture. I can honestly say that I LOVE my body. It’s not perfect, but it’s mine. I’m so lucky it puts up with the demands of training and racing, and it’s served me well over the years in both.

I’m incredibly grateful to have stumbled across this sport when I did, it has 100% changed my perspective and saved me from a ton of physical and mental damage I used to put on myself.

This is me today. Loving my life, loving who I am, and loving my body.

Diaphragmatic Breathing Clinic @ Edge Athlete Lounge Recap

A few weeks ago, I had the chance to talk with a group of athletes at Edge Athlete Lounge about Diaphragmatic Breathing. You might be wondering how this even came about?? Well, I met with one of the owners, Robyn LaLonde, to discuss a topic for me to come by and do an educational talk about. She said her members were interested in learning about diaphragmatic breathing and how it could make them better athletes...

Mind. Blown.

As a yogi turned endurance athlete, I'm well aware of the MANY benefits of true, deep belly breathing...not only for the general population, but especially athletes looking to their enhance their performance in ANY sport. Then to find a group of athletes actually interested in learning about this, I was pumped. This is NOT your average group of endurance athletes...loving on it.

Since everyone couldn't be there, here's a recap :)

In my opinion, diaphragmatic breathing is one of the little tweaks that athletes can make in their training and racing that will produce BIG gains in their sport. Don't get me wrong, this isn't an easy concept for most and requires practice. Once you get it down, it becomes second nature and you'll do it out of habit. Even when you're suffering through a tough interval, or at the end of a race. Trust me on this...I've been doing it for years.

You might ask...what is a diaphragm? I'm going to make it real simple, it basically separates your chest and abdomen, and it plays a major role in breathing.

See...this is a diaphragm.

Got it? Great. Next up...how to deep belly breathe (aka diaphragmatic breathing).

You really want to focus on breathing with your abdomen, not just your chest. As you inhale, you will start breathing into your abdomen. Your belly will expand in ALL directions (not just forward). Then allow the air to continue filling through your upper body and chest in all directions (slowly and naturally)...front, sides, and back. Once you've completed a full inhale, start your exhale in the same direction. Your belly will begin to contract back towards your spine, then slowly allow the air to naturally exit your body. Your chest will relax back into it's normal state.

There are 2 exercises I really enjoy practicing this technique with...

1. Laying down.

#truth

The absolute EASIEST way to feel yourself using proper diaphragmatic breathing is to lay down. Close your eyes, and place your hands on your abdomen. Begin your inhale, and feel your belly expand into your hands. I recommend having one hand to your side as well as the front of your body to make sure you are breathing in all directions. Then as your inhale moves through your upper body towards your chest and neck, allow your hands to follow your breath, walking them up towards your chest and neck. Your chest should be expanding just like your belly on the inhale. Once you begin your exhale, bring your hands back down to your belly to feel your belly contract back towards your spine. Again, as you continue to exhale and your breath begins to leave your body, slowly move your hands back up to your chest and neck.

2. Sitting up.

Repeat the same exercise sitting up as you did laying down. It's not as easy to feel sitting up, so move on to this once you've felt diaphragmatic breathing laying down.

A couple tips on diaphragmatic breathing...

• On your inhale, imagine yourself filling a tire with your belly. Expand in ALL directions.
• You don't want to force your breath, it should be natural. Feel like the air is suspended, not held.
• Try to breathe through your nose instead of your mouth.

This is all great...but how will this impact your athletic performance?

Running, training, and exerting hard efforts can cause muscle groups involved with your breathing to tighten. This will reduce air intake which results in less oxygen availability for working muscles which means the heart has to pump more of your subpar-oxygenated blood at a faster rate in order for you to maintain your "relaxed pace". Long story short, this can cause your 70-75% effort feel like 95%. Therefore, if you can master diaphragmatic breathing and incorporate it into your training and racing, you will be able to sustain faster and harder efforts for longer periods of time. It can also help you get through those tough, painful, and dark moments in training and racing.

Soooo...if you can manage your breath, there is NO DOUBT you will see significant performance gains. 

Here are a few of my favorite ways to incorporate diaphragmatic breathing into my training and racing...

• When you're running - inhale with 4 strides, exhale with 4 strides. Do this at your own pace, it can be on 2 stride intervals, or whatever works best for your body. I highly recommend trying this on your zone 1-2 runs.
• During your activity of choice - feel your breath through your belly with your hands every 5 minutes. Make sure your are breathing into your belly and your belly is expanding out on the inhale/contracting back towards your spine on the exhale.
• Shake out your arms every 5 minutes, and relax your jaw. This will encourage more relaxed, deep breathing.

Find comfort being uncomfortable, let your breath be the guide.